46:3:26:45
Lack of Reinforcement
It's been just enough time that I can notice when I'm waiting for it. I start to feel a sense of unease, that something isn't right. I replay the last few minutes in my mind and look for gaps, start analyzing the person in front of me for cues, correct anything less than perfect. It takes about ten minutes for me to regain any sense of equilibrium, and at minimum a few hours to get completely grounded again. Sometimes I don't even know I'm doing it, I just know that I did it wrong.
I was Lachlan's personal pet, and if you asked him, I was a display of his skills to anyone who met me. I was trained to watch for countless cues and respond in the exact way he needed me to. The learning curve was steep, he refused to tell me what he wanted me to do. I figured it out through repeated corrections when I was wrong. When I managed to successfully execute a command, he'd reward me. I started to view his touch as law and crave the firm grasp that signaled I had done well. I don't know how many of these he trained into me individually, and I can't remember when the rewards started happening less. I had to continually work to be better and respond faster, to anticipate what he needed before he knew he needed it. This turned outward as well, towards anyone he gave me to. I became a pro at reading violent people, and at keeping them de-escalated.
Not thinking about it kept me safe. Letting the animal instinct take over cut down on my reaction time and saved my ass a few times. Solely focusing on Lach and what he wanted narrowed the loud world outside of me to a single focal point. I got really really good at being whoever he needed me to be. Not thinking about it then has led to me not knowing when it will happen now. I have to learn what my programming is as it happens.
The first time it went really wrong, my roommate told me to "wait" and I stood in our kitchen for 4 hours until my friend texted me and asked if I was going to bed, and I finally was released. Another time, a different friend said she was hungry and I spent 30 minutes making her a snack from scratch without being aware of what I was doing. I'm constantly responding to commands issued by people who aren't even aware they're doing it. The sense of visceral wrongness when I receive no feedback, or negative feedback, drives me insane. I keep spending money on stupid sweet snacks to give myself a little dopamine and avoid crashing completely back into the subservient, groveling creature he left me as.
It makes me feel sick, that I still crave his approval and validation. Sometimes I think about calling him, begging him to take me back because I can't handle the feeling of being responsible for myself, and being able to belong to myself fully. I have to pull myself back by remembering the worst nights, when my body didn't want to work anymore and I had to learn how to leave myself and go through the motions convincingly. The stretches of days spent awake because he hadn't allowed me to sleep yet, needing to stay as sharp as if I'd gotten in a full 8 hours.
I'm happy to be able to begin to identify when it's happening now. If I can understand what triggers what, I'll have a good idea of how to work past this.
Love, Satin <3