55:15:01:36
Delayed Response
I'm in a different state, far away from my home, for anorexia treatment right now. I thought that the panic attacks and flashbacks were bad right after I left Lachlan. I was completely unprepared for what would happen when I got somewhere genuinely safe. I know he can't access me here, and I'm not even sure he knows what state I'm in. He's been stalking me in my home state and making sure to remind me that I'm only safe because he "voluntarily" leaves me alone. My freedom is very conditional.
It's odd to be here. I know in my heart that I'm safe for basically the whole length of time that I'm here. But at the same time I'm so uncomfortable being in the same physical location for so long. I haven't spent more than a couple hours away from my house since I left Lach. At the same time it feels like I'm really dragging this whole "Satin got trafficked and is all tragic and sad about life now" thing. I feel like I should be able to brush it off and get up and keep pushing and get back to my career.
There's also the complicated relationship between my recent trauma and my current eating disorder. As my posttraumatic symptoms increase, my desire to exert my will and freedom through food increases as well. I'm also hating myself for the way this all is presenting. I had about 4 full scale breakdowns yesterday because I didn't understand what I was and wasn't allowed to do at this facility. And it's all the more frustrating to know that I'm reacting this way because I'm scared of being beat for being wrong. It's hard to challenge "perfectionism" when not 2 months ago there were severe consequences to not being perfect.
I'm just upset for not being over it. For having to come all this way to deal with shit I picked up to deal with it. I'm mad one man's decision to harm me has this level of impact on me and my life afterwards. I'm upset that I wasn't stronger than this one. I feel so weak. Every time I cry about it or shut down or have any amount of difficulty with anything, I feel so weak. I used to be able to keep going through anything and everything, and now something as simple as a ball of paper being thrown at me has me shaking in the corner.
I miss the person I used to be. I'm getting her back, slowly. There's a future where I'm not the old me but I'm not this me either. Here, miles and miles away from everything that hurt me, I can think about a future.
Love, Satin <3