someone real, someone better
I haven't been on here a lot. I'm currently "experiencing homelessness" which is the woke way to say I'm in temporary housing with my shit in 4 different locations. I don't even know what to write about.
I wanted to write about anger. About how I crave the ability to be soft, to be kind. About how I can't let go of the need to be the realest bitch in every room I walk into. About how I try and try to be kind and to be positive and something sets me off and I scare everyone. About how I want to make people feel included and instead I feel I drag people into a world they don't want to be in. I want to be someone real, I want to be a real person. I can't escape the feeling that I'll always be Lachlan's fucking toy. I hate it and I hate him.
We've spoken a couple times now since I left. I feel like such a fucking loser. I begged him to take me back. I don't know how to be a fucking civilian, I don't know how to be a real person. I hate him so much for letting me leave and I hate him for taking me in the first place. I hate that I know he will try and take me back the second I choose better for myself. I know my friends protect me in a way. I love them and they've been there for me.
I'm not built for the street life I'm living now. I'm soft, and I'm trusting, and I'm loving, and I can't escape this shit Lachlan threw me in. He ruined me and I don't fit in anywhere now. I used to chameleon into whatever I needed to be and now I've become my polar opposite.
I don't understand anything. I keep begging my boyfriend to hit me, to prove to me that he cares. It's fucked up. He looks devastated by it every time. I don't understand why he doesn't want to hurt me. I feel like it means he doesn't care about me.
I keep calling Lachlan when I'm drunk. I keep cussing him out for how he ruined me. He told me he'd make me better by doing what he did. I was never better. I was just becoming him. And now I have to find myself again. It took 4 years last time. I hope to God it's not that long again.