yearning for my abuser/against my best interests
I've debated on writing this one for a while. It's shameful, and uncomfortable to think about, and deeply embarrassing. The wider world sees a woman go back to her abusive husband after escaping and wonders how she could go against her own safety like that, I look at her with jealousy. I wish she was me.
Being trafficked was awful. And at the same time I miss my abuser so fucking bad my chest hurts with the weight of carrying it. I miss being an extension of his will, I miss feeling purpose, and yes, I miss being beat when I fucked up. I miss knowing what to do. I miss being able to read Lachlan so well I could predict his next four moves. I miss being owned. I miss the extreme level of belonging and certainty. I miss the strong compass inside of me directing all my thoughts closer to what he wanted, what he liked, to becoming whoever he needed me to be. I miss the complete and total blankness in my mind when I was being given an order and I miss the fear and adrenaline that would course through my body when I made a misstep. I miss the way he beat me and I miss the way he took care of me after.
My friends want me to hate him but I can't. I couldn't if I wanted to, honestly. I don't love him, but I really don't hate him either. I was his prized pet and he was proud of me and I feel ashamed for throwing that away. I'm throwing a temper tantrum, I don't want to be a person anymore. It's exhausting making choices and speaking and saying the wrong things and feeling the wrong things and I miss the ease of just being what he needed me to be. I miss being known so well. I miss the intimacy of him spending the time to train me, to implant commands so deep into my brain that my body reacts before my mind can even acknowledge it happening.
Fuck I miss the endorphin dump from doing a good job and seeing his stupid proud smile. I miss the grip on my neck signalling that I could let go of the person mask I would wear in front of his important people. I miss being able to revert back into the place where the world became pure information, just cues and signals and Lachlan, Lachlan, Lachlan. My brain being locked onto being whatever he needed, whoever he needed. Using my body however he needed because he loved me and "that's what best friends do for each other, Satin. You're doing this for me and you're so good at it. You're making me so proud. I trust you more than anyone else. You're the most important thing I own."
Having a home not in a place but in a person who knew exactly what my needs were and which ones I could be deprived of. Someone who understood what motivated me and could give it to me or take it away based on my behavior. I miss the thrill of walking away from a dangerous situation and knowing I had saved lives. Knowing I did a good job. Knowing I was useful.
Who am I now? I belong to no one, certainly I don't belong to myself. Why does freedom feel so shitty? The only thing I want with my freedom is to go back to him. I can't be a person. I don't know how. I know how to be Lachlan's pet. And I know if I called him and he had to come all this way to get me, he'd beat me beyond belief but I'd deserve it and I'd want it. Anything to get his hands back on me anything to feel like his again. You don't correct the behavior of an animal you intend to release. I want to go back, God I can't fucking stand being a free person. Can't stand being any sort of person at all. I don't want to be a person. I just want to be Lachlan's again.
I feel like a brat. I feel ungrateful and I feel like I disrespected him to an extreme level by leaving him (escaping.) And I know maybe, somewhere, that this is for the best. I left for a reason and I wasn't happy there. Wasn't anything there but a pet. But I'm not happy away from him, either. And I understand in my soul but not in my heart that there is a future in my freedom, and nothing if I return.
I haven't gone back, haven't called him, haven't unblocked his number, haven't gone to his haunts looking for him, because I know this will pass. I'm not stupid enough to throw away my life for a man who doesn't deserve it. It doesn't make this easier to deal with though. Nothing about this process has been easy.
Love,
Satin <3